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Collie's Musings

This is a reply to a net acquaintance concerning the (sometime) societal belief that men can't be friends with women they're romantically interested in.

There is some raw language in this post, so please consider yourself forewarned!!

Copyright © 2000 B. "Collie" Collier


My net acquaintance was kind enough to tell me this e-mailed post helped him look at the issue in a new way... which I found quite flattering. It's always nice to feel you've been of some assistance to someone else, after all. ;-)

I don't want to quote my net acquaintance's words, since they were quite situation-specific, and furthermore it would be exceedingly rude of me to publicly print a private discussion. However, I also don't want to misrepresent him... so I have paraphrased, as carefully as I can, what I thought his intent was in his writings. This way hopefully my reply will have some context.

[His post, paraphrased]
My net acquaintance mentions that his current love-interest has given him the dreaded "Let's be friends" conversation, and he feels awkward dating under this constraint. He states his agreement with the character played by Tom Hanks in Sleepless in Seattle, who said a guy can't be friends with a woman he wants to sleep with.

He also mentions that he finds it hard to be endlessly patient unless he has some indication that the woman is actually interested in him.

He then further clarifies his distinctions beween women he's interested in, and women that are "unavailable" and/or do not interest him romantically at all, and with whom he therefore feels comfortable being friends with. He also notes he is not as close to them as he is to his male friends.

Hm. The reason I mentioned role-playing games previously is that I was going to suggest you try gaming it out from the woman's point of view.

Please note I'm not saying at ALL that you'll do any of the things I mention below -- I'm just trying to offer a potential window into how a woman might think, faced with the statement 'You can't be friends with a woman you want to sleep with.'

Think about it (and please pardon my bluntness) -- she's being categorized as potentially either a friend or a fuck. Maybe she doesn't want to be categorized so. Maybe she's SICK of it. Maybe she wants her actions to be appreciated, or her intellect to be noticed. Maybe she wants to be friends with her lover. Maybe she doesn't want to be around a man that apparently has no self-control and/or acts like an animal -- either he's kind, thoughtful, interesting, and fun to be with (because he's not interested in sex with you) -- or he's in rut, and apparently sees you as just another sex toy. Bleah! ;-)

Or your comment above... think about that one from the woman's point of view also. She can somehow indicate there's a possibility she'll let you have sex with her, true, and that will keep you hanging around. But if she later decides this relationship isn't going to work she runs the societal risk of being labeled a cock-tease -- this for telling the truth. If she decides the relationship will work, the guy will be surprised and delighted. So better by far (from the woman's point of view) to always say there's probably no hope.

Here's another thought -- as a person, would you really want to have a lover someone that apparently thinks the only thing worthwhile about you is the ability to have sex with you? What happens if there's some accident or something, and for some period of time you can't have sex -- will that person just leave you? Better by far in that situation, I'd think, to find someone who likes sex, but who is a friend first and foremost.

One final thought -- so you hang around patiently with women who don't want to sleep with you. So what? You'll end up with a lot of great friends. Furthermore, have you noticed that women often tend to hang out with other women? What a great way to not only learn more about what women want, but also to meet a lot of women!

I don't know if this is going to just annoy you or maybe give you some food for thought... hopefully you'll take it in the spirit it was intended: as a gentle reminder that there's more than one way to see things. ;-)

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Last Updated: Sun Mar 11 2000

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